If I Knew Then

As I finish my second year of college, I’ve been thinking a lot about the last two years of my life. I remember being a senior in high school. College felt so final. Choosing a college felt like deciding what the rest of my life would look like. And in some ways, sure. It determines certain friends you’ll have, places you’ll go, and maybe even career path you choose to take. There is a lot that can happen in college. But it’s not the all-knowing place of purpose I once believed it might be. I decided where I would be attending college the day before I had to, for this reason. I was terrified to make the wrong choice. And if I’ve learned anything over the last two years, it’s not so much that’s there always a right or wrong choice, just different ones. I ultimately ended up at a school called Rollins College. It’s a school about ten minutes away from my house. And I was terrified to tell people I wanted to go there. I was scared people would think, that I would never leave my hometown and that I was clinging to what I already knew. I thought I needed to leave to find out who I would be in the future. And that could not have been farther from the truth. Being close to my family has been the biggest blessing in my life. Especially during a pandemic that left me quickly packing up my freshman year. I’ve loved getting to hang out with my sisters and still visit Disney World.

 

But I’m the first to admit that while I very much love where I am now, I struggled at first. I think social media paints the picture that college will be a sort of fairytale. You’ll make your best friends at orientation  and you’ll find out what you want to do in the first week. And sure, maybe some people have that experience, but for a lot of us, college is really hard. I met my sweet freshman roommate Savannah on the first day of college and I could not have been more thankful for her. I also met my sweet sorority big, Kate, who made me feel very loved and welcomed when I didn’t know many people. But there were many times when I still felt lonely. I worried that I made the wrong choice. That I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I saw everyone on Instagram having the time of their lives, and it made me feel awful. I felt embarrassed about my lonely nights and awkward small talk in the hallway, trying to make friends. And then we got sent home and the whole world turned upside down.

 

I met my sweet friend Elise through Instagram. We both realized we had a ton and common and it was pretty much instant friendship. I reached out to her before we moved in this year and we decided to room together along with Elise’s friends Jess and Jamie. And I was equal parts terrified and excited. I didn’t really know these people. And now I look at them and think, wow how did I live without them. These people have changed my life and I am very thankful for how well they love me.

 

So, I guess the point of me telling you some my experience in a college is for a couple of reasons. One, is to all the incoming freshman. I remind you to breathe. It’s ok to not love it right away. You might feel lonely. You might wonder if you made the right choice. And you might not. But I urge you to give yourself grace. Everyone’s college experience will look different. You might go across the country and you might go ten minutes away. One isn’t better, it’s just different. I also want to remind you that life isn’t social media. Just because your friends look like they are having the perfect time, doesn’t mean they are. I guarantee you will all go through things. And lastly, I ask you to give yourself time to figure out what makes you happy. Don’t do things just because everyone is. Focus on you. What makes you smile. What people bring out the best parts of you? Spend time with them. Grow with them. You’re going to do big things. But it might not happen right away. Give yourself the time to grow. And remember all the wonderful things you have to offer.

 

And to all those still in college like me and to everyone else just trying to get through life, I hope we can continue to grow together. Life is unpredictable. One minute you have it all figured out, and the next all the plans you made are gone. We are constantly having to adjust. I hope you do the things that make you happy. I hope you find people who bring out the best parts of you. I hope you let yourself cry sometimes. Let yourself mess up and get back up. I hope you cherish every moment you have in this stage of your life. Our lives are certainly not what we thought they would look like right now, but I’d like to believe that through everything, there have been some beautiful moments.

 

So, if I knew then, what I knew now, I’d tell myself that I don’t have to have it all figured out. That sometimes life sucks. Plain and simple. Sometimes bad things happen and we don’t get a good explanation. We just have to try and find the good in it, and get back up. Sometimes you’ll feel lonely and things won’t make sense. And that’s ok, things often won’t. That’s how you grow. I’d tell her to go easy on herself and to find confidence in who she is. I’d tell her that she will meet people who she’ll wonder how she went her whole life without. I’d tell her that things will not go as planned, but that something beautiful would come from it anyway. I’d tell her to trust herself and to give herself grace.

 

So, to everyone who has loved me so well during the past two years, I am very lucky and very thankful. We need people who build us up to get through life. So, here’s to the next two, I have absolutely no idea what they will look like, but here’s to finding out together. Thanks for sticking with me.

 

All the love always, Annie